Fertility ramblings

I know that my blog is sort of a misnommer at this point, but I promise I will get around to talking about my emerging garden, eventually.

Sitting outside at a local cafe today while enjoying the sunshine, a piece of Schwarzwälder Torte and a Latte, it suddenly dawned on me that today is March the fourth....I found out exactly a year ago that I was pregnant. Isn´t that just fine and dandy.

It also came to me that really every month has some sort of significance in my ttc journey. I´ll start at the beginning so you can get that nice chronology.

August 2007: I started PNVs for my upcoming ttc journey.
September 2007: Went to gynecologist to have my hormone implant removed and talk ttc with her.
November 2007: Got my first BFP and shortly there after had my first miscarriage.
February 2008: DH and I managed to get in the mood on Valentine´s Day despite the stress from our impending move to new home....
March 4, 2008: Second BFP!! (I was elated)
April 16, 2008: Miscarried for my second time and had emergency d&c
June 2008: had horrible cramping and spotting, got BFP and told the next day from new doc. that if I had been pregnant, it was over.
July 2008: my would be EDD from first pregnancy
September 2008: visit with geneticist and diagnosis of Leiden Factor V--now we have something that can be treated.
November 7, 2008: My would be EDD from second pregnancy
December 5th: BFP number four....
December 24, 2008: miscarriage from BFP number four--now if that isn´t a great way to celebrate Christmas, I don´t know what is....
February 2009: possible EDD from BFP number three....
August 15, 2009: EDD from BFP number four.

So I guess it´s not really every month since January, May and October don´t have any goings on--yet.... Maybe if you ask me in a year I´ll have a different story to tell.

I´ve come to decide that getting a sticky BFP must be like rolling dice. Some people get lucky and roll a six straight off, and others of us have to keep trying , and trying, and trying. So I guess that means that eventually I´ll get a sticky BFP? How many more rolls to go, I wonder.

PS: I bought a bunch of primroses and potted daffodils for my front steps today. Maybe I´ll take a picture for you to admire. In the fall I´ll be planting the bulbs and primroses in the garden. There you have it, my Carolina garden is coming to life.

Odds and Ends

So today has been filled with doing odds and ends. I´ve finally put the x-mas decoration in their boxes (they were piled on the dining table awaiting their move to the attic) and done some laundry, putzing, walking/slipping around on the icey paths, and just hanging with my DH. Today has been a good day. I´ve made it all day without crying, and I have sort of a plan for my grieving. My therapist suggested that I might want to find some way or something to remember my children by, so that I could grieve for them and begin to heal. I think I´ve hit on something to do, and already found some pieces for it. I want to make quilt squares that can be hung as a wall-hanging in the nursery that represent each child. When I get it all thought out and started I´ll post some more about it. I think this will be a great way to remember them, and for any future children to know about them.

On that same front, my dermatologist (who´d thunk it) gave me a referal to a head doctor at the University clinic who specializes in high-risk pregancies and miscarriage, and happens to be participating in a study for recurrent miscarriage. I´ll be calling her tomorrow to make an appt. My derm said if I needed anything, she would be more than happy to call or write other referals. I can´t believe how great she was, and how understanding she was of my plight. WOW! Kudos to her.

My pity party

I know it´s the beginning of a new year, a new chance for new things, but I just can´t get in the spirit. You see 2008 ended on a less than happy note. On December 23rd my obgyn told me that this pregnancy "wasn´t it." And promptly on Christmas Eve those all too familiar cramps set in. I didn´t go to church like I had planned, but lay on the couch watching my sick little niece throw-up. I´m sure she would rather have spent her Christmas differently, too. While my husband chatted happily with his family on the phone I lay curled up in bed until he could come to comfort me. We lay together and cried. Actually he cried and I sobbed. After an interminably long night I got up feeling some better and took a shower only to finally pass a tiny sac. The sac the doctor couldn´t find on an ultrasound on the 23. For a moment I held it in my hand and relised that this was the beginnings of a child for whom I had had so many hopes and dreams. I know it seems odd for some people that after just a little more than 6 weeks you could have so many hopes and dreams. This child would have been born in the month of August just like her/his parents. This child had a name. This child was going to come home from the hospital in the dress her grandmother and great-grandmother made for her mother to come home from the hospital in, and if this child was to be a boy, then he was going to come home in a little sailor suite made by his mommy. This child was going to come home to a yellow nursery decorated with alligators (the cute plush kind) and his mommy´s beloved stars blanket. Instead the nursery is but a yellow room. Awaiting no child.
I hope you´ll understand if I don´t seem terribly upbeat and cheery this 2009.