BOTB

In case you don´t know, that´s babies on the brain... you didn´t think I would stop posting about that, did you?

Yup, I´ve got babies on the brain--four of them to be exact. After three miscarriages and a chemical, it´s hard not to think about babies all the time. I would love to have a baby, but I don´t know if I will. I haven´t given up hope yet, but I know that there is a chance that it wont work out.

I´ve made an appointment to speak to a specialist at the Uni clinic, and I´m contemplating doing some TCM. After reading Dr. Lesley Regan´s book, "Miscarriage, what every woman needs to know" I have lots of questions to ask the doctor. I hope she can answer them.

In the mean time, I´ve got babies on the brain.

Randomness

I saw this on another IN´s blog and thought it was really cool, so here it is. The ones in bold are things I´ve done. Feel free to take it for your blog, too.

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightning at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors (some of them, anyway)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (once, and it wasn't my fault!)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Ridden an elephant

Odds and Ends

So today has been filled with doing odds and ends. I´ve finally put the x-mas decoration in their boxes (they were piled on the dining table awaiting their move to the attic) and done some laundry, putzing, walking/slipping around on the icey paths, and just hanging with my DH. Today has been a good day. I´ve made it all day without crying, and I have sort of a plan for my grieving. My therapist suggested that I might want to find some way or something to remember my children by, so that I could grieve for them and begin to heal. I think I´ve hit on something to do, and already found some pieces for it. I want to make quilt squares that can be hung as a wall-hanging in the nursery that represent each child. When I get it all thought out and started I´ll post some more about it. I think this will be a great way to remember them, and for any future children to know about them.

On that same front, my dermatologist (who´d thunk it) gave me a referal to a head doctor at the University clinic who specializes in high-risk pregancies and miscarriage, and happens to be participating in a study for recurrent miscarriage. I´ll be calling her tomorrow to make an appt. My derm said if I needed anything, she would be more than happy to call or write other referals. I can´t believe how great she was, and how understanding she was of my plight. WOW! Kudos to her.

My pity party

I know it´s the beginning of a new year, a new chance for new things, but I just can´t get in the spirit. You see 2008 ended on a less than happy note. On December 23rd my obgyn told me that this pregnancy "wasn´t it." And promptly on Christmas Eve those all too familiar cramps set in. I didn´t go to church like I had planned, but lay on the couch watching my sick little niece throw-up. I´m sure she would rather have spent her Christmas differently, too. While my husband chatted happily with his family on the phone I lay curled up in bed until he could come to comfort me. We lay together and cried. Actually he cried and I sobbed. After an interminably long night I got up feeling some better and took a shower only to finally pass a tiny sac. The sac the doctor couldn´t find on an ultrasound on the 23. For a moment I held it in my hand and relised that this was the beginnings of a child for whom I had had so many hopes and dreams. I know it seems odd for some people that after just a little more than 6 weeks you could have so many hopes and dreams. This child would have been born in the month of August just like her/his parents. This child had a name. This child was going to come home from the hospital in the dress her grandmother and great-grandmother made for her mother to come home from the hospital in, and if this child was to be a boy, then he was going to come home in a little sailor suite made by his mommy. This child was going to come home to a yellow nursery decorated with alligators (the cute plush kind) and his mommy´s beloved stars blanket. Instead the nursery is but a yellow room. Awaiting no child.
I hope you´ll understand if I don´t seem terribly upbeat and cheery this 2009.