My pity party

I know it´s the beginning of a new year, a new chance for new things, but I just can´t get in the spirit. You see 2008 ended on a less than happy note. On December 23rd my obgyn told me that this pregnancy "wasn´t it." And promptly on Christmas Eve those all too familiar cramps set in. I didn´t go to church like I had planned, but lay on the couch watching my sick little niece throw-up. I´m sure she would rather have spent her Christmas differently, too. While my husband chatted happily with his family on the phone I lay curled up in bed until he could come to comfort me. We lay together and cried. Actually he cried and I sobbed. After an interminably long night I got up feeling some better and took a shower only to finally pass a tiny sac. The sac the doctor couldn´t find on an ultrasound on the 23. For a moment I held it in my hand and relised that this was the beginnings of a child for whom I had had so many hopes and dreams. I know it seems odd for some people that after just a little more than 6 weeks you could have so many hopes and dreams. This child would have been born in the month of August just like her/his parents. This child had a name. This child was going to come home from the hospital in the dress her grandmother and great-grandmother made for her mother to come home from the hospital in, and if this child was to be a boy, then he was going to come home in a little sailor suite made by his mommy. This child was going to come home to a yellow nursery decorated with alligators (the cute plush kind) and his mommy´s beloved stars blanket. Instead the nursery is but a yellow room. Awaiting no child.
I hope you´ll understand if I don´t seem terribly upbeat and cheery this 2009.